I Knew… I Said

i-knew-i-saidI grew up in a house where my accomplishments weren’t recognized or wanted. I believe my mother didn’t want her daughter to be smarter than her or more accomplished or more capable. As a child, she told me not to try so I wouldn’t fail. So to please her, that is what I did. I didn’t care about school work. I didn’t receive any support, anyway. When something was confusing or if I didn’t know how to think about something or how to acquire knowledge about something…. I was on my own. I always did well enough but didn’t live up to my potential. Losing out on feeling a sense of accomplishment, liberation, and emotional expansion that living to your potential bestows.

Interestingly enough, the expectation was that I was to go to college. In retrospect, how my mother justified denying me access to academic success but felt compelled to be sure I attended college baffles me. This inner conflict led me to live life carrying this sense of a lack of foundation and support while pursing any interests. I didn’t feel secure or grounded as I moved thru life.

While I lived frightfully unmoored, she, my highest self, told  me, through words and a knowing sensation, that I would go to graduate school. I heard her, believed her, didn’t question her, didn’t know who she was that was leaving me yet another bread crumb to guide me and send a signal that she can always help me. But I wouldn’t become intuitively open enough to allow her consistent help for decades.

I was barely making it thru college. But miraculously, I was saved by spending a semester in London. This semester introduced me to a friend that questioned the belief system I was raised with. This new world view returned me to the USA with clarity and support that lead to a senior year with a much improved GPA. With my college degree, I set out into the work force remembering what she, my highest self, said. As I worked, I kept an eye out for when this Master’s Degree was to happen. I felt the destiny. My human self, stayed open to complying. I still have no idea how these 2 parts of me worked together. One part very aware of my spiritual truth and complying while another part internally questioning why I believed her.

About eight years into my work life, destiny opened the door and graduate school began. Yes, it’s easy to say, that I used my free will, identified a school, applied, and was accepted and therefore lived out my destiny. But it never felt like that… It felt like I was given a peek into my future by her. It felt like she was leading, guiding, and showing me the way. I never planned it or pushed it. Looking back, somehow and from someplace within, I simply opened to it and followed.

“Who ever thought YOU would be graduating from graduate school!”, a couple family members affirmed at graduation. I smiled and knowingly said “I knew I would be graduating from graduate school, I knew……”

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