Overtime, thru reflection, I learned that I was raised in a fear based house hold. Being emotionally abused by a narcissistic parent whose foundation was fear and unhealed wounds. She competed with me, judged me, ridiculed me, and repeatedly told me how IT would be for me because that was how IT was for her. She spewed her unhealed anger, hurt, sadness, betrayals, and oppression all over me. The message I received was that I wasn’t capable, no one would assist me or guide me or support me. No one would care for me or love me. She modeled anger and distrust as the only way to move thru life. This parent cheered my verbal attacks of others. According to her, verbal attacks were standing up for yourself. This was toughness! The message was toughness was the key.
This toughness didn’t bring peace, love, confidence, joy or safety. This toughness was solitary confinement for every day human emotions that were meant to guide me. This confinement pushed and plastered all my emotions; fear, confidence, curiosity, sadness, depression, connection, joy, anger, up against each other. They had no space to know themselves and express themselves. The toughness that was expected and cheered permitted no gentle space for positive emotions to grow and negative experiences to heal. I couldn’t breathe.
While I was living this way, she, my highest self, was showing what she had to offer. What she had to offer was strength. Strength grew and unfolded when my emotions were free to move around each other; like a harmonious, smooth, and joyful dosey doe. Strength is ever developing as I acknowledge and listen to the messages of all my emotions. The listening fortifies and builds my emotional strength. This strength is nurtured, cultivated, and fortified as I use what I feel are spiritual daily activities instead of fear based daily activities.